The Life of an Agony Mistress

2011-06-12T09:13:00.001+01:00

Q. I finished with my man recently because other girls were always flirting with him, laughing at his jokes and so on. I know I shouldn't have let it, but it made me jealous. He said they were just friends and that he really loved me. I still want to be with him. What should I do?

A. Here's a general rule from my collection - jealousy generally comes from insecurity. If you don't feel lovable, you can't believe he loves you. Develop reasons to be proud of yourself; love being you and be sure that a man worth having will love being with you. Make plans for your future career and education. Meanwhile, flirt with this guy too - and laugh at his jokes if they're funny. But let him do the running. If he doesn't run, then he never loved you, and you know exactly where you stand.

2011-06-12T09:00:00.001+01:00

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and, although he 'ticks all the boxes', I don't have butterflies when I see him. Is this important? Am I being silly?

A. It's interesting how many times we decide on a partner based on the 'shoulds' of society, rather than our instincts. Having said that, love is something you have to work at - it doesn't just fall into your lap. In your case, there are two things you need to do. First, be honest with yourself. Are the boxes your boyfriend 'ticks' yours or are they what others think is right for you? If those ticks are things that seem good on paper but aren't important to you, maybe you're not getting butterflies for a good reason. If, on the other hand, you value who he is, maybe it's about working on the romance. The second thing you need to do is speak to him. Make a plan to be more spontaneous and try to inject some passion. If there are still no flutters, maybe this relationship is meant to be platonic.

2011-06-12T08:42:00.001+01:00

Q. I love sex but I hate penetration. I force myself to do it for the sake of my boyfriend, but girl-on-top is exhausting, missionary makes me claustrophobic and doggy style makes me feel like, well, a dog!

A. Having your lover inside you should be an intimate experience, but faking it makes it a chore for you - no wonder you hate it. It sounds like a technique issue but you're not giving either of you a chance to make it better. How would he feel if he knew? Betrayed? Foolish? Lied to? Be honest with him - buy a copy of 100 Hot Sex Positions or The Complete Manual of Sex Positions for tips on different options and see if you can find a better way. Intercourse isn't the be all of good sex, but faking it is definitely the end all.

2011-06-12T08:27:00.002+01:00

Q. I've been with my girlfriend for less than two years and we're already having old-married-couple sex. I've suggested we try bondage or watching porn together, but she made me feel like a pervert for even asking. This is my longest relationship - is this just what happens?

A. The crazy ripping-each-other's-clothes-off part of a sexual relationship usually lasts about a year (it rarely lasts more than two). But, by that point, you should know each other well enough to begin working on deeper and more intimate lovemaking - the kind that means taking risks and daring to introduce new things. It sounds as though you're doing the right thing, but I wonder if you're going about it in the right way. 'Hey, couldn't we spice things up a little?' could sound a lot like, 'Sex with you is really dull', if said in the wrong tone of voice. So, she might be feeling defensive - or maybe she's just nervous. Either way, a relationship that stands still is a stagnant one. Eventually you'll either move forward or move on.

2011-06-09T09:30:00.002+01:00

Q. My boyfriend of three years tells me he loves me, but doesn't show me any affection. I might be misinterpreting things, as he isn't very touchy-feely. How can I tell if he does or doesn't like me?

A. This is a difficult conversation so instead of telling him what he's not doing you need to nudge him towards what you want him to do. He's told you that he loves you and some men see touch as strictly part of the sexual ritual rather than a signal of affection and reassurance. Instigate things gradually, such as hand holding while you're out, or clinging to his bicep if he takes his hand away (pretending your high heels mean you need to hold on for balance is a good excuse). Sit on the same sofa when you are watching TV or a movie, instead of far apart, lean on him, or gently cuddle him. And asking for shoulder massages or back rubs when you're sitting alone sometimes works, he might just need some encouragement to touch you. Tell him you enjoy this while he's doing it, but don't suddenly instigate massive cuddles while you're out as he's clearly not a tactile bloke. If all else fails, talk to him, tell him what you love, and he might just get the hint.

2011-06-09T09:11:00.001+01:00

Q. My boyfriend and I rarely sleep together. I told him he's never made me orgasm and he's devastated. We want to work through this but don't know where to start. Is it me?

A. Try exploring masturbation on your own. Discovering if you enjoy vaginal or clitoral stimulation (or both) can help. Many women orgasm during sex through other stimulation but not during intercourse, and some don't orgasm every time. Explore on your own - and together - what feels pleasurable, with no aim of having an orgasm. This removes the pressure from you and him. Also, try looking to see if there are any other factors in your life that are stopping you getting in the mood.

2011-06-09T08:52:00.001+01:00

Q. My long-term boyfriend from school went to visit his friends who are at Uni and said he feels like he's missing out on a single life. He said he wanted to be with other girls, but doesn't want to lose me. What should we do?

A. Your man won't be the first person to be seduced by the excitement of student life although he's probably not in a hurry to start writing essays and revising for exams. He's got an over-the-top taste of 'the single life' but it may just be a sign that you both need to get a bit of 'me time' out of the relationship. At the start of relationships, many couples spend all their time with each other. Since you've been together a long time you both might have missed out on the single life a little. Have a chat with him and see what he actually wants and needs and have a look at what you want too. It may be that you both need to widen your circles of friends individually and as a couple. Just because two people are together it doesn't mean you have to block out the world. Neither does it mean you have to be party animals. There's a lot of middle ground that you can explore together, so talk about it.

2011-06-09T08:03:00.001+01:00

Q. Most women usually worry about taking too long to reach orgasm but I climax after about two minutes of intercourse. Afterwards, my clitoris is too sensitive to carry on, so I have to take a break, which I think irritates my boyfriend, but I can't stop myself. Am I weird?

A. Most women need 10 to 30 minutes of foreplay to reach orgasm with a partner - and many can't cum at all during intercourse - so you belong to a smaller category of women, orgasmically speaking. But you're not weird at all and you're certainly not alone. Tell him to avoid your clitoris completely until you're both ready for you to climax, and find other erogenous zones he can turn his attention to (the back of the knees, buttocks, inner forearms, nipples etc). Try having intercourse from behind (minimising clitoral stimulation) and try using your hand or mouth to bring him closer to his orgasm first. But honestly, most women like to have a break after orgasm. If he says he has a problem with you needing a breather then it's just that - his problem! You need to find a solution together, but if all else fails, start stimulating him again as soon as he has ejaculated and see how quickly he stops you!

2011-06-09T07:52:00.003+01:00

Q. I'm struggling to get over someone I was seeing purely for sex. I moved to another city but we kept in touch through texts. Then I lost my phone and we had no contact until I moved back home - we met once in the street and he barely acknowledged me. I think about him constantly. I have plenty of other friends but I only want to be with him.

A. To see a guy 'purely for sex' is like seeing him purely because you like his aftershave. And that suggests any other guy using the same brand would do as well. Of course he missed you - he missed seeing you for sex. When the texts stopped, he figured you'd moved on. Try posting him a letter, or email - but don't overdo it; tell him simply you miss his company, his jokes (if he made them) and his friendship. He could be as pleasantly surprised as you were to find out that you care for more than his aftershave. But if a man is in something 'just for sex' chances are he will have moved on as quickly as he assumed you did. Be warned though, it could well be a case of not getting the response you hoped for.

2011-06-09T07:34:00.001+01:00

Q. My boyfriend and I get along well, except for his jealousy. He gets worked up over the smallest things - my being out with friends, getting in late from work, or when he thinks guys are looking at me. I'm finding it hard to cope.

A. Jealousy is to do with self-esteem, trust and respect - and unless these are addressed, it's unlikely the relationship will progress in a healthy way. Ask him why he thinks you'd cheat on him - if he's had bad experiences with women in the past, reassure him that you're not the same as them, but explain it's not fair he takes it out on you. Then talk about what you can do to help him with his jealousy. Maybe you could call him when you're going to be at work late? Don't be too accommodating though. Trust and respect for each other are essential. Agree to try this for a month and then talk. That way, you'll both feel like you're taking control of the problem.

2011-06-09T07:22:00.001+01:00

Q. I love my girlfriend but our sex life has gone stale. I want us to try sex parties but I'm worried she'll think it's just an excuse for me to have sex with other women. All I want is for us to try something exciting and new - together. How should I broach the subject?

A. How? Think bomb-disposal expert in full-protective gear approaching a suspect package! The results are likely to be explosive - even if she likes the idea. Lots of couples manage it but it's a huge risk to take with your relationship if you've never talked about it before. It's easy to get caught up in the fantasy of it all but have you thought how you might feel watching her writhe in ecstasy with another man inside her? Or that she might never get that image of you with another girl out of her head? Are things so bad you're willing to stake your relationship? Start a little less ambitiously by taking turns to tell your fantasies to each other. Do it in a public place (not too public - you don't want to get arrested) so your desire doesn't interrupt the story. Start a fantasy book, so you can flick to a page and play out a scenario. Try playing in different places, other than the bedroom (outside, in the kitchen, in the garden etc). Sex goes stale when we stop trying - a little effort goes a long way.

2011-05-05T06:19:00.000+01:00

Q. I'm in love with a gay man. We did have a snog once even though he insisted there was nothing in it. Can I change his mind?

A. Well, maybe if you change yourself a bit first. Like your hair and your clothes. Oh, and your entire chromosomal make up. Face it girl, the guy is gay. No matter how many times he says: 'If I were straight, you're the woman I'd fancy' it's not going to change the fact that he isn't. That doesn't mean that he isn't flattered that you find him irresistible - hell, I'm flattered when next door's cat singles me out for attention, but it'll never be any more than that. So you had a snog? Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was lonely, maybe he needed the practice, or he was curious. Who knows? The only thing I know is that you're wasting your time. If it was his wardrobe you wanted to change, or his hairdo, I'd say give it a go. But his sexuality? No chance. Don't sentence yourself to years of Saturday nights at gay discos full of boys who are prettier than you. Accept this man as your friend and move on.

2011-04-25T09:54:00.001+01:00

Q. When my boyfriend tells me he loves me I always say 'I love you' back. But I don't know if I do. How can I tell?

A. I often get asked this question by people brought up on a diet of photo-love stories and Barbara Cartland - they tend to view love as a big hole in the road. One minute you're walking innocently along thinking about the price of potatoes and the next, wham! You've fallen straight in it. Truth is, love is less like a pothole, more like porridge. Bear with me on this. Remember the old advert where the children who ate Ready Brek had a warm glow that stayed with them all through the most freezing of days? Think of love as a warm, protective, but invisible blanket that makes crappy things seem not quite so crappy.

Now imagine your boyfriend is your blanket. Imagine taking him off. If you feel shivery and cold, it's love. If you feel liberated and free, it's not. And if you think I'm off my rocker wittering on about porridge and holes in the road when all you wanted was the answer to a simple question, remember, it's not a simple question, and there is no answer.

2011-04-25T09:30:00.001+01:00

Q. I love my boyfriend but he's always grabbing at my bits. He says it's affection but I feel harassed. When I try to stop him, he laughs and does it more. He even does it in public. I try to stay out of his reach but then he sulks.

A. Affection is an expression of love - touching you against your will is sexual harassment. He's being a bully - either because he's an insensitive idiot who needs to grow up or a dangerous control freak who sees you as his plaything. What would happen if you went to grab his bits? Would he be angry or laugh and see your point? When a man uses his strength to overpower or intimidate a woman - even playfully - he's issuing a very clear message, 'I'm in charge'. Decide who you want to be in charge of you and act accordingly.

2011-04-25T09:11:00.001+01:00

Q. I'm sick of having to make the first move with my girlfriend.... and the second, and the third. She wants me to do everything while she just lies there. It's all on her terms and it's her way or no way. What about me?

A. Good question! Until you ask it, nothing will change. So what about you? Why have you been so willing to let her get away with it? Don't you deserve a good seeing to as well? You can't really blame her for lapping up your attention when you keep giving it. Talk to her, be clear that the sex is too one-sided and you need her to be more active. Don't assume it's because she's lazy or doesn't care - she might feel too shy to take control. Also, it could be that you want more sex than she does, in which case you might have to wait for her to get horny enough.... then she'll get the ball rolling.

2011-04-25T09:04:00.001+01:00

Q. Having orgasms with a boyfriend never used to be a problem. But now I hardly ever get there with my new man. I was single for two years and watched porn to meet my needs. Has it ruined me?

A. Our main sex organ is the brain. It can be trained to trigger an orgasmic response to sexual stimuli. You've been relying on one way for a while, so you need to retrain yourself. Porn focuses the brain on one thought - your orgasm. It's a quick search for the perfect image - then, wham! Sex with a person means having to consider more. We're not in charge of our orgasm; we trust someone to do it for us. Give yourself (and him) time to adjust. And stop masturbating until you find your relationship mojo.

2011-04-25T09:00:00.002+01:00

Q. I want fiery, passionate sex but my boyfriend's all feathery kisses and lingering looks. I hate it! I have to shut my eyes to hide how angry I am. I've hinted at wanting more but he's not getting it. Why can't he act more like a man?

A. Definition 167 - Man: strong and demanding, in control and unafraid to take what's his. Simultaneously sensitive enough to pick up on subtle clues given by silently furious women. Come on! No wonder men look like rabbits in headlights when asked what women want. Why are you leaving it to him to decide what sex you have? What's stopping you taking the lead? Despite what you think about gender roles, it's not his job to guess and deliver. A relationship is created together. If you don't like it, it's half your job to change it into something you do.

2011-04-16T15:05:00.001+01:00

Q. No matter how hard I try, I can't cum when I'm with a woman. My last girlfriend thought I didn't fancy her, and then dumped me, so I've been faking it ever since. I really want to sort it out but where do I start?

A. Honestly, you men - you're so ejaculation-focused. If there were no point to sex without orgasm, you'd have trouble finding a woman to fake it with because, for this half of the population, orgasms aren't taken for granted. Stop fixating on the problem. What thoughts make you cum when you're masturbating? Are they 'I must cum?' Didn't think so. Try concentrating on the woman you're with. Not only will it take your mind off your orgasm but she'll also feel satisfied whether you cum or not. This situation will pass when you allow it to. Stop stressing; there's nothing wrong with you.

2011-04-16T14:28:00.001+01:00

Q. When I first became single, I thought I'd enjoy seeing different men without getting involved. But as soon as I've had sex with a man, I start thinking about him all the time - even if I'm not that interested. Why can't I have no-strings sex like men do?

A. Women aren't biologically impelled to have sex with as many different men as possible. We are, instead, psychologically hard-wired to become attached to a sexual partner - in case he impregnates us. The struggle for equal rights is about having choices, and just because a woman can sleep with anyone she likes doesn't mean she has to. If one-night stands don't suit you, don't have them. By the way, men don't get away with no-strings sex either - they're left feeling just as empty as we are. Try having flirtatious fun without having sex. It's just as delicious but doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable afterwards. Move things slowly and tell him you're doing that. Give it up when you are sure you both want the same thing. If he's not prepared to wait then he was never going to be the man for you.

2011-04-16T14:13:00.001+01:00

Q. I've been seeing a man for a month and we're good together. We've talked about his family and his friends, yet he never got round to mentioning his girlfriend - I heard about her from a friend. Should I wait it out, confront him or back off?

A. You expect me to say 'back off' but I'm not going to. Apparently this man is interested in making you like him and not just making you another notch on his bedpost. Chances are, a man who needs to share his thoughts and history is genuinely unhappy at home. His pleasure in talking to you suggests something may have gone cold between him and his girlfriend; he's not quite on the rebound but he'd like to be. Tell him face-to-face that you've discovered he has a girlfriend. Listen calmly, watch him closely and use your head, not just your heart. Then proceed slowly.

2011-04-16T14:07:00.002+01:00

Q. I love going down on my girlfriend and she says she enjoys it too but after a few minutes she always stops me. I really want to be able to make her cum with my tongue because it really turns me on - why won't she let me?

A. It could be that your technique is OK but not quite what she needs to orgasm. She might be lying to you about enjoying it, or she might not believe that you really want to be 'down there'. I get mail from women who don't enjoy oral sex because they feel they have to cum quickly before their men get bored - or get cramp. You have to convince her that you love it. Take the pressure off by trying the 69 position - she'll be too busy to let her thinking get in the way of her enjoyment, and yours.

2011-04-16T13:46:00.002+01:00

Q. My ex used to smoke a lot of weed and his moods are very unpredictable. I'm in a new relationship now but he's got in touch saying he's off the drugs and wants me back. I still love him, what do I do?

A. Drugs, alcohol and food are all things people use to 'self-medicate' and deal with issues. The problem is that none of these deal with the underlying problems, so getting off the drugs is only the tip of the iceberg. Has he actually done anything to deal with his issues? It is understandable that you still have feelings and a lot of this is because emotionally-charged relationships can seem more exciting. But now you've made the effort to move on, invest in your new relationship instead of going back to your old one. Usually a relationship break up is called that because it was broken.

2011-04-16T13:40:00.001+01:00

Q. My boyfriend's way too fast in bed and sometimes I feel like he's only interested in his own pleasure. How can I get him to slow down and experiment with different rhythms instead of him thrusting in and out of me like a Duracell bunny?

A. He may think he's doing what you like so you need to tell him it's a turn-on to try new stuff. You should take control and show him what feels good for you, with you on top for example. Tell him the speed you want him to go at and say how great it feels. You can also slow things down by focusing on exploring oral sex, masturbation, massage and finding out what else feels good. If he's cumming too quickly, then slowing things down should help, or try using condoms like Durex Performa, which are designed to prolong sex.

2011-04-13T13:40:00.002+01:00

Q. My mates would laugh at me for saying this but I'm sick of being used for sex. I want a relationship but once I've slept with a girl, she disappears. I'm a nice guy and not bad looking, so either I stink in bed or women just want one-night stands - which is it?

A. In the olden days, before the Pill, Cosmo and hotpants, women didn't have random sex with random men because society deemed it unacceptable. Now women have sex when and with whom they please. Men everywhere are nervously waking up to the fact that women, free from the constraints of sexual oppression, can be every bit as insensitive, selfish and arrogant as men have always had the choice to be. It could be where you are meeting them, and if you set out your requirements before you bed them then maybe you could find a girl who wants the same. If she's prepared to sleep with you almost immediately then chances are she's not a keeper! Take heart, the good ones are still out there, so don't give up. Oh, and welcome to our world!

2011-04-13T13:35:00.001+01:00

Q. My new man is 10 years younger than me and the sex is great. He loves trying new things and I love teaching him. The problem is, I'd like him to take control and be more intimate and tender. It's not something you can teach, is it?

A. You can't teach it but you can give it a chance to develop. Intimacy means being honest with someone about who you are, and my guess is that it's not him who's blocking the path to tender, shared loving - it's you. You've been playing the Mrs Robinson game; you experienced seductress, him wide-eyed virgin. That's a very powerful role and unlikely to make him feel like an equal. If you want him to take charge, you have to let go of the reins. Stop seeing him as an over-excited puppy. Treat him like a man you respect and you might be surprised to find that, for once, more than just his erection grows between you.

2011-04-13T13:28:00.002+01:00

Q. I'm 22 and have been with my husband, who's 27, for five years. He's wonderful but I feel trapped in our marriage. I want to experience what my single friends do - living with flatmates, meeting new men.... In comparison, my relationship feels stale. When I try to tell him how I feel he says it's because I was so young when we met and it will pass. But I'm afraid our marriage is over.

A. What do you do when a room feels stale? Do you burn down the house or open a window? Yes, you committed yourself to one man at a young age and there's a price to pay for that; no flatmates to play with and no new men. And true, being young and the feelings that go with it, do pass - but the passing can leave bitterness and regrets. Before you start thinking about ending your marriage, view this relationship with a man you love as a challenge, not as a failure. Change your routine.

2011-04-12T10:43:00.000+01:00

Q. I'm openly gay and have been seeing another girl who has a boyfriend and isn't ready to come out yet. I know I can't make her do it before she's ready but it's so frustrating. Should I move on or what?

A. There are two issues here. The fact she's in a relationship and the fact she isn't open about her sexuality. It's fine for you to say that you want to be exclusive with her - meaning she has to end it with her boyfriend. If she can do that it may be you can wait for her to come out. If she can't end it with him, it may be better to end things and find someone you can be with openly. If she has some space to think, she might realise how important you are to her.

2011-04-12T10:19:00.001+01:00

Q. My new bloke doesn't like blowjobs, but all my exes were obsessed by them, so it feels really odd. Do you think he's just being polite because I'm doing it wrong, or are some men just not fussed about oral sex? I feel awkward when he goes down on me, because I can't return the favour. Is there anything I can do?

A. Some men aren't obsessed by blowjobs and get pleasure by making their partner feel good instead. If he doesn't mind not receiving oral, then why should you do it? Look at it as a bit of a break from having your head pushed down there and struggling for air. Also, be glad you've found a bloke who doesn't just go down on you out of duty, or because you'll return the favour. Things might change and he might want one as your closeness deepens. This could be his way of relaxing into the relationship. Who knows? Human sexuality can be very unpredictable and differs from person to person. So for the moment, just show your appreciation by letting yourself go and thoroughly enjoying what's on offer. You'll both have a good time and get turned on. Make the most of it, find out what other things he likes and focus on those instead.

2011-04-12T09:48:00.000+01:00

Q. My boyfriend has a high sex drive and I struggle to keep up. We don't talk about it but I want him to know I do want him, just not as much as he wants me. What do I do?

A. A mismatch in sex drives is a common problem in relationships. Everyone has the right to say no, but it hardly helps you find a solution. Explaining how you feel is crucial to prevent resentment creeping in. Wanting lots of sex can just be the sign of raging hormones. However, it can also be a way of avoiding communication. It's clear that this relationship needs a little more talk and a little less action in order for it to move forward.

Oral special

2011-04-12T09:18:00.001+01:00

Q. My man's rough when I give him a blowjob. He holds my head and thrusts into me and I find it uncomfortable. I know he's just caught up in the moment, but I hate it.

A. If you don't like it, don't put up with it. He might think this is what you like, or this is what men should do. Tell him what you do enjoy, how you like to go down on him, and that when he's rough it spoils the moment for you. He should get the message, but, if not, stop each time he holds your head or thrusts. This should be something that turns you both on.

Q. I'm massively worried about my new man going down on me. I'm self-conscious about how wet I am when aroused. Will he be put off? And what is normal?

A. Getting wet during sex is normal and a sign you're enjoying it. Some women get more moist than others, and you can get wetter at different times of the month, or depending on how turned on you are. He won't mind, in fact, part of the turn-on for him will be the chance to taste you. Men have erections so we know they are turned on. Women don't - so wetness is his indicator that he's doing something right. He'll love it.

Q. My bloke doesn't like going down on me and it's making me paranoid about the way I look and smell. How can I find out if it's me or him, or should I just give up?

A. Be brave - say you've heard some men don't like oral, while others might like to try but are scared they'll do it wrong. This gives him the opportunity to tell you if he's not into it, or if he'd like to experiment. Explain how it's affecting your confidence so he can reassure you. All genitals have an odour and this turns on some people, but washing before oral will help make you feel confident.

Q. My new bloke's well endowed and I find it hard to give him a good blowjob. How can I work on my gag reflex and 'handling' him?

A. Unless you get turned on by deep-throating, I'd be worried about you having to work on your gag reflex. Instead, there are other techniques you can use, including licking his penis, using your hands and mouth, and not taking him too deep. A good blowjob is something you discover together, so get him to tell you what he likes to see if you're comfortable with it. To give him the sensation of much deeper penetration, follow my tips on using your hand together with your lips.

Q. My man loves going down on me, but my mind always wanders. I don't see what all the fuss is about. How can I stay in the zone and get the most out of it?

A. If your mind wanders because he's changed what you were enjoying, tell him. Fantasising or talking dirty while he goes down on you can enhance how you feel. Not all women enjoy long oral sex sessions, so if you want him to switch to something else, then say. Some women orgasm through oral sex, but not all do. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy it, but only for as long as it's turning you on.

2011-04-04T20:59:00.002+01:00

Q. I'm bored with sex - full stop. No matter who I sleep with, I always end up in the same old routine. I'm good at sex; I know how to please a guy and how to please myself. So once you've found what works, where is there to go after that?

A. Confucius say, the chick who knows everything knows nothing and the girl who thinks she knows nothing has the world at her feet. 'Good at sex' probably means you're skillful - ie. you give great blow jobs and bounce like a porn star on Ecstasy - right? Technically, good sex is like the outline of a picture yet to be coloured in. The full experience requires you to forget everything you think you know and start again, exploring the mind and body of the person you're with and letting them do the same for you. Sex should be instinctive and trusting. Drop your routine and take the risk of really engaging in the experience. If not, they say knitting can be a very rewarding hobby.

2011-04-04T20:55:00.001+01:00

Q. I'm squeamish about sex mess. Sperm and juices make me feel so sick that I can't bring myself to go down on my man. As long as I don't think about all the squelching, I actually love sex. My boyfriend thinks it's hilarious but I feel like a freak.

A. Some people like messy sex but I bet there are more who feel a bit icky about bodily excretions. OK, so you're a little squeamish, but you're also someone who loves sex, and you have a man who's accepting of you and your current issues. You're a lucky girl. Don't waste time feeling bad; get creative. Give him a blow job over a condom, smeared in something you do like the taste of. Or give his penis a massage using rubber-safe lube, then slip on a condom when you're ready to make him climax, so you don't have to face the mess. Just because you're not into juices doesn't mean either of you should miss out.

2011-03-31T13:15:00.003+01:00

Q. I'm a 21-year-old fashion model. My mates think I'm lucky but I'd swap my looks for two more inches on my penis. I'm only four inches fully erect, and I'm still a virgin. I always hoped it would grow but it hasn't. I'll never satisfy a woman.

A. A man who relies on his penis to satisfy a woman's desire is inexperienced or unimaginative; with some it's plain arrogance. A big penis might be nice to look at but it's only one of the many tools in your kit - and when it comes to a woman's orgasm, its the fourth most important after your mind, fingers and tongue. If you can learn how to engage a woman's brain (find out what turns her on), learn how to kiss like a demon and hone your oral and finger skills, you'll be the perfect lover. This it the best sex advice I have for any man, regardless of his penis size. And just so you know, average is between 3.5 and 6 inches, so you're not that small at all.

2011-03-31T13:09:00.002+01:00

Q. The men I've been with recently have been pushy, acting like they're porn stars! What's going on??

A. Worryingly, more women are complaining about men's aggressive sexual behaviour, especially younger men. It's the internet generation; educated about sex by porn. They see the same images over and over, and mistakenly believe that's everyday sex. Unfortunately, young women get the same misinformation and think it's what's expected of them too. Well, 99% of porn lies about sex, and bodies, and inform men that women love being treated like sex dolls. It's up to those of us who know differently to set the record straight.

2011-03-31T12:42:00.003+01:00

Q. I'm a sex disaster area. I've snagged foreskins on my fingernails, scratched balls with my teeth, bent cocks while on top, and yesterday I headbutted my man and gave him a black eye! Does this happen to anyone else?

A. Once or twice is quite normal - these things happen in the throes of passion - but three or four times in quick succession? Your disasters read like a script for a slapstick S&M porn movie! I know men are bulky, strong and you can wrestle with them, but that rough and tumble does not extend to the bedroom where cock and balls are flying free and vulnerable. They (men and their penises) like to be handled firmly but never roughly. They need to feel confident you know what you're doing and they're safe in your hands. Be gentle with him, for crying out loud. Unlike your vibrator, when he bends in the middle it really could snap.

2011-03-31T12:36:00.005+01:00

Q. I haven't had sex with my husband for a year. It started with him being 'too tired', then I got sick of trying. I thought we must have a really low sex drive - until I found porn on his laptop. Why would he rather masturbate over strangers?

A. You've both allowed sex to slip into a no-go area and the longer you ignore it, the more difficult it will be to confront. Talking to your partner about intimate issues like 'sex going wrong' is scary. From his point of view, given the option of facing the emotional quagmire of your absent sex life or spending five minutes wanking over a naked lady whose only demand is that he 'give it to her good' isn't that hard to understand. He's clearly found a way to distract himself from the problems you're having and he's not the only one hiding (are you telling me you've not masturbated?) If you want a real sex life with your very real man, you'll have to face up to the situation.

2011-03-27T19:46:00.002+01:00

Q. I'm not as sexually experienced as my boyfriend and I've got no confidence. He says I'm not good on top and my oral does nothing for him. I feel I can't do anything right. Sometimes I hear him sigh and my heart sinks. How can I be better?

A. I've got warning lights flashing in front of my eyes - this guy doesn't deserve to be having sex with you. How dare he undermine your fragile confidence with his own inflated ego? As for experience, if he knew anything about sex, he'd know that the key lies in loving, trusting, mutual respect. This is bullying behaviour. Standing up to him is one option, but if that feels too hard, walking away is another. You have the right to be treated with affection and kindness. Once you have that, the sex will fall into place, I promise.

2011-03-13T16:47:00.002Z

Q. My bloke always puts his pants on as soon as we've finished having sex and won't have sex anywhere other than the bedroom. Is he ashamed of his body or is he just nervous about having sex?

A. It could be either, or just habit. Have you tried talking to him about it? Gently suggest you want to enjoy cuddling him naked after sex so he doesn't reach for his pants. You could also tell him how much you'd enjoy having sex outside the bedroom - like in the shower or on the sofa. He may lack the confidence to suggest this. If he still seems unwilling then it may be a deeper issue - you might want to talk to him about his confidence generally and see if he feels help from a counsellor would benefit him.

2011-03-13T16:43:00.003Z

Q. Every time I meet someone I really like, I start to lose interest once we've made love a few times and they've declared their love for me. Now I'm mad about Steve, and desperate to be with him, but I'm not sure how I'll feel if he actually returns my interest. Could my parents' divorce have anything to do with this? I'd always felt close to my dad until he remarried.

A. When parents divorce, children often think it's their fault. Of course it isn't - children don't cause divorces. But children can end up worrying about how much they're loved. This may be what happened to you. If you were close to your father for a while and then experienced him 'leaving' you a second time when he remarried, you might feel that you aren't really lovable and that you can't keep a man (first your father, now other men).

You might now be distrustful of men and find more satisfaction in making men fall in love with you than in actually entrusting yourself to a relationship. Once you've 'won' someone's affection you turn yourself off because you're afraid you'll be hurt again. If this makes sense to you, and you want to interrupt this pattern, being aware of these underlying feelings might help you to make different choices.

If you like Steve so much, tell him how you feel, tell him your fears, and explain why you feel like that. If he's the right man for you, he will reassure you and help you deal with any negative feelings you may start to experience.

2011-03-12T13:09:00.003Z

Q. I'm 30 and I've been with my boyfriend for ten years. We're both in demanding careers and live at home with our parents. We're good friends but our sex life is non-existent. Two months ago I met a fantastic man who's nine years younger than me. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I'm miserable around my boyfriend. Although this man asked for my number, I didn't give it to him as he lives miles away. Now, though, I'm wondering if he could have been my way out. Have I missed my chance for a new life?

A. This new man has crystallised something that you were already subconsciously feeling; that your life with your boyfriend is not fully satisfying. The fact that you now see this man as your 'way out' suggests that you've felt paralysed by your relationship. His fleeting appearance is a chance for you to do something to change your life - whether or not he's around. You now recognise that you want a change. You have the choice of staying with your boyfriend but changing the non-sexual nature of your relationship; alternatively you can continue as friends but be open to the possibility of another relationship; or you can split up completely. Whatever you choose, try to see this as an opportunity for you to find out, not via this other man, but by your own actions.

2011-03-11T14:56:00.001Z

Q. My boyfriend cheated on his ex with me and during the first year of our relationship he went back to her behind my back a few times. Things are better now, but I'm always paranoid he's cheating on me. Will I ever be able to trust him?

A. It's not paranoia, it's a pretty reasonable conclusion based on the evidence. It sounds like your boyfriend likes the best of both worlds. One moment of weakness can be just a mistake, but repeating it means that he does what he wants, simply because people will let him. You need to ask yourself whether things have only improved because it's convenient for him. If you meet all of his needs then he doesn't have to skulk off into the night to be with his ex. Ask yourself if this is really the sort of relationship you want. Do you deserve better than this and is he the man who's going to give it to you? Do you want a fair-weather boyfriend or a mature partner who will stick with you when the times get tough? Don't settle for second best.

2011-03-03T21:45:00.002Z

Q. Help! I never seem to be in the mood for sex, no matter what my boyfriend does to turn me on. Is there something wrong with me?

A. No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. The traditional male-centred view of sex is straight forward: desire is followed by sexual arousal, then sexual excitement, then climax. If only it were that simple for women! Recent studies suggest that some sexual response cycles, especially women's, seem to be more complex and circuitous than we originally thought. Rather than sexual desire, the cycle may start with an emotional desire (to be loved, for example, or found attractive). Then distracting thoughts, like a work deadline, annoyance over a partner failing to do the laundry or feelings of unattractiveness can inhibit arousal and climax.

So rather than telling yourself to 'get in the mood', it might be better to just do it and focus on the physical sensations or activities that make you feel sexy. It goes without saying that you should never do anything you don't want to. But most of the time it's not that we don't want to, it's that we're too tired, stressed or annoyed - so just doing it can get you over that hump, as it were. (It's like working out - the hardest part is getting yourself to the gym, but once you're there, you're glad you went.) Plus, the more sex you have, the more you want, because sex increases your testosterone levels, which actually increases your desire.

Take it from Yesgirl - we should all say yes to more things, but never be forced or coerced into doing something you feel uncomfortable about.

2011-03-03T21:36:00.001Z

Q. How can I give him a hand job as good as one he gives himself?

A. Sure, he's been doing it himself since he was a teenager and knows what he likes better than anyone but that's no excuse not to bother. Besides, I'm guessing that if he had to choose between a self-administered hand job and one from you, he'd choose your helping hand every time.

For him, the foundation of manual sex is the essential up-and-down technique. Think of it as creating a 'virtual vagina' with your hand. Grip his erect shaft in your strongest, well-lubed hand. Move your hand up and down the shaft in a fluid motion, never losing contact with it completely, and closing your grip as your top fingers pass the head. At first, work the entire length fairly slowly. Closer to orgasm, he may prefer you to focus on the top half, while picking up speed (when in doubt, just ask!) Start off with a light grip, then slowly increase firmness. Always keep the movement steady rather than jerky. You can add a slight back-and-forth twisting motion as you go up and down - you shouldn't be pulling the skin, just letting your light grip move smoothly over him. Later, get your other hand in on the action by alternating moves with each hand.

Don't be afraid to set up shop between his legs - that way, you'll have a lot of freedom to use both hands in a variety of positions. Plus, you get the scenic view, which includes his 'unit' (you can watch what you're doing and look for tell-tale signs of an impending orgasm, like his testicles pulling up into his body) and his face (great for reading facial expressions and making sexy eye contact). You can also kneel beside him, though in this position access to the penis's sensitive underside ridge will be limited. If you want to try another angle of approach, it's better - and dirtier - to kneel over his chest, especially if he's a 'bottom man', as he'll see you in all your glory. Now that's something he can't do himself!

2011-03-03T12:24:00.001Z

Q. I've been with my partner for five years but we haven't been intimate for the last two, as he's never in the mood. It's making me question whether I want to be with him. A bloke I know wants us to be sex buddies and it's tempting. What should I do?

A. Sex in relationships often dwindles to a fraction of what it was when you first met. So when everyday life gets in the way of sex, it does take a bit of commitment to keep things going. Tell him how you feel and ask how he thinks you should both deal with it. He may be suffering from depression, so consider what pressures he's under and what help he could get. However, if he's OK, it could be that you're together out of habit. A sex buddy would only cover a problem that runs deep and may end up getting very complicated. It could be time to make decisions about this relationship and look for a permanent solution that could mean going your separate ways. But start with a chat, and you can go from there.

2011-03-02T12:07:00.002Z

Q. I find blow jobs degrading, and I don't like putting my man's penis in my mouth. But I need to find a way to enjoy it, as whenever I hear the subject crop up, I feel depressed.

A. Why do you need to find a way to enjoy it? If it doesn't appeal to you, then you don't have to do it. Although we hear a lot about blow jobs and how great they are, it isn't something that appeals to everyone. It's OK to tell a partner that blow jobs don't turn you on. If this is distressing you, or you feel there are other reasons for feeling this way, ask your GP to refer you to a psychosexual therapist. Don't force yourself to give blow jobs if you don't enjoy them. Some women find with time and a respectful partner, they can enjoy kissing, licking or sucking a penis, but you should only try this if the idea has started to appeal to you. If it hasn't, stay as you are.

2011-03-02T11:57:00.003Z

Q. Whenever me and my boyfriend have a heated sex session, he can be a bit rough when he's touching my clitoris. How do I tell him he's pressing too hard without ruining the mood or hurting his feelings?

A. He'll want to know he's turning you on, and it would probably hurt his feelings more to know you've been putting up with discomfort when he thought he was getting you off. When he touches you in ways you like, tell him it feels good and make encouraging noises. If he becomes too rough, it's fine to say 'I like it a little bit softer'. He should get the message, but if not, show him yourself how you like to be touched or, at a time when you're not having sex, explain that sometimes it gets a bit rough in the heat of the moment, which can be uncomfortable. Again, that should help him realise he needs to adapt his technique to suit your needs.

2011-02-28T12:36:00.002Z

Q. I fancy my friend's dad. He's single and a good laugh, and I swear he flirts with me. I'm tempted to make a move, but would it ruin the relationship with my friend?

A. While inter-generational relationships do work, when it involves your mates' parents it comes with baggage. Acting impulsively could have serious consequences for your friendship. Would you want your friend as a step-daughter? Don't rush into anything, just focus on having fun with your friend. This might be an occasion where you ought to wait for him to make the first move, then decide, but discuss the possibility with your friend, and make sure she's OK with it, before you rush in.

2011-02-28T12:28:00.004Z

Q. My man's suddenly gone off sex and it's very out of character. I try to please him any way I can, but he's just not interested. Do you think it could be another woman or his hormones?

A. Sex drives fluctuate all the time, but changes are often temporary. As it's sudden, it could indicate a shift in life circumstances or an increase in stress levels, which is a top cause of reduced sex drive. Changes in eating patterns and drinking more alcohol are also indicators that something may be stressing him out. Fluctuations in hormones are rarely the problem. Talk to him to see if he's bottling anything up. Focus on supporting him and being affectionate to get to the cause of the issue, rather than focusing on the symptoms.

2011-02-28T11:58:00.001Z

Q. My boyfriend kissed a colleague at the work party. He was drunk and it didn't mean anything, but now I hate the thought of them working together. It was a few months ago, but when we argue I always bring it up, as I'm worried it will happen again. Help!

A. Work parties are fraught with these kinds of dangers. However, the real issue here seems to be trust and your confidence. If you keep bringing it up, it will drive a wedge between you. It won't be his drunken mistake that splits you up - it will be your inability to get over it and move on. He knows he was an idiot, but he did the decent thing and told you. So put this into perspective. Is he going to pay for this until you split up, or are you going to work on your issues and continue to build a stronger relationship? It's your call.

2011-02-28T11:50:00.001Z

Q. One of my friends cheated on her boyfriend and I don't know whether to tell him. I wouldn't be so tempted if she didn't act innocent all the time and look down her nose on others who cheat - it's so hypocritical.

A. What outcome do you want from this situation? Are you taking the moral high ground, or do you just want to take her down a peg or two? It's said we're judged by the company we keep. If you don't like what you see, change it. Either tell her how you feel or rethink your friends. What would telling her man do for you? Focus on your own life by surrounding yourself with people you value and respect.

2011-02-28T11:40:00.002Z

Q. I don't have the confidence to ask for what I want in bed. I hate upsetting my man, so I just go with the flow. I enjoy sex but I can't help thinking it could be better. How can I take control of the situation without hurting his feelings?

A. He'll want to know you're happy, so, in fact, not speaking up could upset him even more if he were to find out you're unhappy. To help him reassure you, tell him you want to open up, but feel shy talking about sex. It may help to get him to say what he's thinking and feeling first, then you can reply. You don't have to be explicit, just say what feels nice or what you'd like him to do. 'That feels good' or 'I love it when you do that' is often enough to show him what you're enjoying. Thinking through what you like can also help, and you may find buying a sex guide you can both read will help you express your desires. Try Tracy Cox Supersex for Life from Lovehoney.co.uk or many of the other 'better sex' books on offer on the site.

2011-02-28T11:30:00.002Z

Q. When my ex told me he still had feelings for me, I didn't believe him, because he had a girlfriend. They've now split up. Should I try to get back together with him or wait for him to make the first move?

A. Going back to an old relationship can only work if you've both addressed the issues that caused you to split in the first place. You know if you have, but what about him? More importantly, is this what you really want or are you just flattered? He needs time to get over his last relationship and you need to focus on what you want out of life. Enjoy your life and let him make the move if, and when, he's ready. And don't be afraid to say no if you decide you don't want him back. It's better to be on your own living your life than being in the wrong relationship.

2011-02-28T11:25:00.001Z

Q. I met a bloke on a night out and both times I've seen him we've had sex. I like him but I don't want to date him. He asked me round to his and I want to hang out as friends but I don't want to sleep with him again. Is it too late now?

A. People do become friends with people they've slept with so there's no reason why you can't too. It's not as if you've told him you love him, you just got together a couple of times. If you've decided it's not what you want any more, be kind but clear. Don't start saying 'Maybe' or 'We'll see'. Don't give out mixed signals. Have a chat, tell him how you feel and what you want from the friendship. If he wanted things to go further then it will be awkward for a while so give him space. But as you've only slept with him a couple of times, chances are he'll be fine. Finally, if you've decided you just want to be friends, don't get into a situation where you're drunk and have sex for 'old time's sake'. Things will only get complicated.

2011-02-28T11:20:00.002Z

Q. Five months ago I met a bloke I really liked and we met up a few times. I thought we were developing a relationship but now the phone calls and dates have stopped. He's told mutual friends that he likes me, does this mean there's still something there?

A. I'd take control here and see if it can help you find out where you stand and make you feel more confident. Phone or email him and ask if he'd like to meet up for a coffee, meal, film or drink, or do this next time you see him in person. If he's shy, this gives him the chance to take things up a level. If he's not that interested it gives him the chance to say so. You can say to him what you've said to me - that things were going well but have cooled off and you'd like to know where you stand. If he can't be clear, continues to give mixed messages or just isn't acting particularly keen, then I'd definitely move on.

2011-02-28T11:15:00.002Z

Q. I've started seeing a new man and we've slept together twice but he's too rough and I have to stop myself from crying out in pain. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?

A. I'm sure he'd be devastated if he knew and it's important to tell him how to make things feel good so it doesn't hurt. When you're not having sex tell him he's a great kisser and what feels good. Try positions where you're in control, like you on top. Tell him that when it's rough it hurts. He might be upset but he shouldn't be offended. Take it in turns to do things to each other that feel good - and give each other feedback about what feels nice. However, if sex continues to be painful go and see your GP just to check there's no other cause for this.

2011-02-28T11:10:00.004Z

Q. I've just met an amazing man, but he's got quite a small penis. I don't mind at all but how do I make the most of what he has got?

A. First of all, remember he has fingers and a tongue too - he can please you with other parts of his body. Talking about fantasies and what makes you feel good can also equal more fun than if you focus just on penis/vagina. And remember to look at his other qualities - is he funny, caring, respectful and loving? Does he do things outside the bedroom you like? If so, tell him how much those things mean to you, as they'll keep you feeling connected.

2010-12-05T18:20:00.000Z

Q. Whenever my boyfriend and I are out in a big group, he hardly pays me any attention. He says it's because he likes catching up with our friends and that no one likes really coupley couples, but I feel ignored. Am I being unreasonable?

A. There's a fine line when couples are in a large group of friends. If they are all over each other, then everyone else is excluded. But your boyfriend seems to have gone to the other extreme. Have another chat with him, tell him how you feel and see what compromise you can reach. However, you also need to make more effort to enjoy catching up with friends, too. Does your social life have to revolve around him? Get more involved with the group and focus on developing your own social skills and confidence, and being a person in your own right. Having something fresh to talk about when you come back to each other can only enrich your relationship. Also, when he sees you enjoying yourself, and chatting with other people, namely men, he will probably want to stick a little closer to you.

2010-12-04T20:02:00.001Z

Q. My ex cheated on me two years ago. He broke my heart so I left him and moved on. We still talk and I love him like a friend, but my mates keep telling me to cut him out of my life. I am over him, but will this ruin my chances of future happiness?

A. It is possible to be friends with exes but it takes about six months to make the transition from lover to friend. You seem to have gone through this process and if you're being honest with yourself, and you're truly over him, then what's the issue? Just because your friends hold onto their past hurts doesn't mean they have the right to judge you. Follow your heart and if it feels right, then carry on doing as you are.

2010-12-04T19:46:00.001Z

Q. My bloke loves going down on me and even though I like it I don't have the patience to let him bring me to orgasm. As soon as I'm turned on I want sex. How long should it take and how can I relax and enjoy it?

A. There's no set time limit. Some women enjoy oral sex but if it's not your favourite thing, there's no reason why you have to do it for longer than you wish. Tell your boyfriend what you've told me - that you like him going down on you but once you're turned on you want penetration. Telling him will relieve the pressure you're feeling and you'll probably find you're able to relax and enjoy both oral and penetration more. Some women feel uncomfortable getting pleasure or find sex a bit embarrassing so they want to get on with penetration to avoid other activities that make them shy. Be sure this isn't the reason why you want to jump ahead. Spending time exploring oral can be good, but if it continues not to work for you then don't keep doing it.

2010-12-04T19:27:00.000Z

Q. I had a one-night stand with a bloke I met in a club, which is totally out of character for me and we haven't spoken since. Now I've met someone I really like, but have just seen that he is Facebook friends with my one-night stand. Should I say something, or just hope they're not that close?

A. I wouldn't worry about it. It's none of your new man's business who you've had a one-night stand with, and the other bloke you slept with has clearly accepted it was just a casual thing. Although it's difficult, I'd avoid reading too much into what's posted on Facebook, as you might end up making yourself unnecessarily anxious. Just concentrate on the relationship with your new man and focus on enjoying being together.

2010-12-04T18:57:00.000Z

Q. My bloke cheated then I found out I was pregnant with his child. I took him back but I'm worried I might start to resent him. How can we deal with this mess before the baby arrives?

A. You should get professional help now. Your GP may be able to refer you to a counsellor or try Relate (relate.org.uk) or the British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapy (basrt.org.uk). Recovering from cheating takes time and can only work if you are both equally willing to address this. If he seems unable to help reassure you, consider this is good for you and the baby long term. Speak to your GP and midwife as they can help.

2010-12-04T18:15:00.003Z

Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years but I still feel second best to his mates. He's just told me they've booked a lads' holiday over Christmas and New Year. Is it completely unreasonable to expect him to run these things by me first?

A. A long-term relationship is supposed to be a partnership and yes, you and your boyfriend are supposed to talk about things like holidays and special events. After two years it seems as though your boyfriend still likes the single life and spending all his time with his mates, and he expects you to fall in with his decisions. So start asking yourself if this is what you really want. Is this relationship good enough or are you just making do? Who is really holding this relationship together? You or him? If you started behaving as he did, would it last? This may be the wake up call you need to decide what you really want and not settle for second best.

2010-12-04T18:09:00.003Z

Q. I'm in a happy relationship, but there's a man at work I've got a crush on. I'd never act on it, but I find myself fantasising about him. It's almost like I'm imagining an affair so I can get it out of my system. Is this normal or disloyal?

A. Fantasy is part of our sexuality and it's not always logical, predictable or welcome. However, in most cases it's harmless and just part of being human. Even in the most dedicated relationships people can see a stranger and fancy them before realising it. It could be that this man represents excitement and distraction at work. So think about whether your job's really using your abilities and if it isn't, see if you can apply for a promotion or think about a new job. Also, consider what this crush has taught you about your own relationship. Are you in a rut? Perhaps you need to spice things up with a weekend away or a bit of role play? Try to use this experience as a positive one to get more from your life.

2010-12-04T17:29:00.003Z

Q. I've been seeing a man for six weeks but although we've kissed, he hasn't made any move towards sex. Should I give it time, or admit he just doesn't fancy me and cut my losses?

A. Let's have a think about what you can do in six weeks - grow your hair a quarter of an inch, do half a term at college, get a table at one of the more popular London restaurants... its not a very inspiring list, is it? Because, let's face it, six weeks really isn't very long. And yet somehow we expect it to be plenty long enough to make one of the most important of all personal decisions - whether or not to start a sexual relationship with a new partner.

I'm old-fashioned. So shoot me. In these days of the MTV generation, where everything has to be accomplished within the same time scale of a promotional video, we're so used to making snap decisions that anyone who tries to take their time is either gay, weird, or plain not interested. Yet believe it or not, there are men who think with their brains not their lunch boxes, who prefer to hesitate now rather than regret later and who feel a quaint need to at least get to know and like a woman before swapping bodily fluids with her.

Yes, there is a possibility that he just doesn't fancy you (although any body language expert will tell you that regular snogs are a fairly reliable indication of attraction). If you're celebrating your first anniversary with a quick peck on the cheek before the last Tube home, you should probably start worrying. But six weeks? Relax and wait a while.

2010-11-28T14:01:00.003Z

Q. My husband and I are in a rut and I feel like I'm the one doing all the work to try to get us out of it. I'm constantly trying to talk to him but he just shuts me out. What can I do to get him to listen?

A. When something isn't working, we try to fix it. If that doesn't work, we try again - but often use exactly the same method. And we keep on trying, doing more of the same but thinking, "This time it will work - I just need to try harder." Women nearly always attempt to solve problems by talking. And talking some more. Often, however, talk doesn't work for men. Instead, think about how he would solve the problem if the situation was reversed. He'd probably do something - take action - rather than talk. So, follow his lead. Start doing new things rather than just suggesting them and you might get somewhere!

2010-11-28T13:55:00.003Z

Q. I quite like giving blow jobs and usually swallow. Is it bad for you health-wise to swallow semen?

A. It's not 'bad' for you: semen is mostly water and mucus, though there are traces of acids, salt, chloride, ammonia, calcium, carbon dioxide and cholesterol (sperm makes up a mere one per cent of ejaculate). But the only problem is a large one: if he carries an STI, you may get it. Take your pick from a long list of diseases that can be passed on this way. In fact, just wrapping your mouth around his penis puts you at risk of contracting herpes, syphilis or genital warts if they're present. If you want to be truly safe, make sure you use a condom during oral sex.

2010-11-28T13:49:00.005Z

Q. My boyfriend bought a penis ring, which the sex shop guy said would make him harder and last longer. Are they safe?

A. Penis rings constrict blood flow by keeping blood in the shaft of the penis. They also supposedly make his orgasms more intense because it takes longer to climax and the penis has more blood in it. Slip it over the head of the penis, pushing it down until it's fitting snugly at the bottom of the shaft. It should feel quite tight but not excessively so. The ring is perfectly safe as long as you make sure you remove it if there's too much swelling - and never, ever leave it on for a long period.

2010-11-28T13:49:00.004Z

Q. My boyfriend bought a penis ring, which the sex shop guy said would make him harder and last longer. Are they safe?

2010-11-24T12:28:00.000Z

Q. My boyfriend and I are really shy, so sex is always the same - in the dark and in bed. I want to experiment but I don't know where to start.

A. Relationships, like ponds, get stagnant if left to stand still too long. All things must adapt if they are to survive. Before you install a pole and a mirror ball in your living room, change only has to be small to make a big difference. Turn the TV off one night and produce an eye-mask. Ask him to trust you, then blindfold him (this will protect you from self-consciousness and heighten his other senses). Fill the room with sexy tunes, turn the lights low and get naked while leaving him clothed (or the other way round). Go slowly to build up the tension and remember, giggling is allowed - sex is supposed to be fun, if you're lucky, it will be your turn next!

2010-11-24T12:06:00.003Z

Q. I don't enjoy giving oral sex (I feel like I'm suffocating) and I'm not very good at it, but my new girlfriend's made it pretty clear she's expecting it anyway. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Can you give me some help with going down there?

A. Quick tips won't make up for hard-earnt experience, but in the name of cunnilingus I'll try to set you on the right track. Firstly, unless her clitoris is near her anus, you can't possibly suffocate. Look at what you're dealing with. If you gently push her outer lips back her clitoris will stand out a little. Some women want you to keep your tongue on the button, others want you to move around it. She might want you to move up and down, side to side, or in circles, hard or soft, fast or slow. Listen for her clues. When she's making the right noises, commit to not stopping until she comes. Oral sex is only hard work if its a chore - bringing someone to orgasm with your tongue is an honour. You could also buy a bikini trimmer for better access, and offer to shave her as part of your foreplay.

2010-11-24T11:43:00.001Z

Q. My boyfriend can't be bothered to have sex. He likes getting blow jobs but says that intercourse is too much effort and that maybe if I dressed in sexy outfits, he might want it more. I don't mind dressing up but why does sex have to be such a circus for him?

A. Make it clear that regular sex is important to you and if you're willing to dress up like a performing seal to get some, you expect him to make the effort to please you without the 'dress up' sometimes. He probably doesn't have a very high libido and needs higher levels of stimulation to get revved up. On the whole, men are more visually stimulated and less imaginative than women, so they need to actually see things rather than just picture them in their minds. His suggestion might seem clumsy but at least he's trying to offer a solution - even if it is one that means you still do all the work. Your libidos may be mismatched, but the responsibility for resolving the problem is 50/50.

2010-11-24T11:10:00.001Z

Q. My new girlfriend is permanently horny. It's been three months since we met and she's still not slowing down. Whenever I try talking to her, she just starts kissing me or trying to unzip my trousers. I really want to get to know her a bit better, but I'm starting to think that she just wants me for the sex.

A. That's possible, but it's more likely she's using sex to avoid developing the relationship with you. We assume that sex is intimate because we have to take our clothes off to do it (or at least for some of it) but actually talking to each other - sharing details of our lives, opening our hearts and minds to another person's scrutiny - is far more intimate, and much more risky. Assume that she's far less confident with her clothes on than she is naked and you might start getting somewhere. Why not arrange to spend more time with her in public? Take her out for a romantic dinner and chat about light-hearted things to build up her confidence. Of course, she'll probably try to talk about sex, but hey, its a start.....!

2010-11-08T13:09:00.001Z

Q. My parents divorced when I was a child, and my partner's dad keeps cheating on his mum, who says it's something all women have to go through. I can't sleep for worrying. I trust my partner totally but worry he'll go through the same mid-life crisis our dads did. If I talk to him he'll think I don't trust him, won't he?

A. History doesn't repeat itself. We do. Start thinking like his mum and you're halfway to trouble - men and women tend to do what's expected of them. What his mother believes, along with her acceptance of her husband's infidelity, is their marital history. And your parents made their own unhappy history. You two are making your own unique relationship history. Talk to him - but about ambitions for your future, happy memories of your past together; about love. And keep talking. Mid-life crisis? Even the words sound out of date. Have I mentioned that history doesn't repeat itself? We do.

2010-11-08T12:36:00.001Z

Q. I am a FAT person. There are many words that sound nicer but, at the end of the day, I'm 19, size 24 and FAT. I'm desperate to look fashionable when I'm out with my friends, but I just look silly when I try. I was size 16 when I met my fiance - he can't even get his arms around me any more. I've now told him I can no longer have sex with him because I'm too embarrassed in bed. Help!

A. You're a bright, healthy, young person, with friends and a man who loves you. You also happen to be fat. So what? Who cares? You do. Of all the amazing things you are, you choose to define yourself as fat. Take a good look at yourself - the one who lives inside the body you see as a prison. What are you so scared of that it makes you use your body as an excuse to avoid facing down fears and facing real desires? Are you so afraid of failing that you've fixed it so you can't even try? Are you so scared of rejection that you've decided to reject yourself first? Are you afraid of love? Of sex? Counselling will help you lose weight but, more importantly, it will help you find yourself. Being overweight brings health risks, so your doctor is an ally, not a judge. Weight Watchers or Slimming World also offer support. You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself first, and want it.

2010-11-08T12:17:00.001Z

Q. I've just started seeing a bloke and things are going well, but I know that he was with his ex for years and I'm scared I won't be up to scratch in bed. I've built it up to be a massive deal. How can I keep calm about it?

A. It's normal to worry like this, but just because he was with his ex for years doesn't guarantee that their sex life was great. And even if it was good, he's with you now! Every partner we are with allows us to learn what excites us and explore what is pleasurable, so rather than comparing yourself with his ex, focus on what feels good together. Remember, relationships are built on a lot more than just sex and he'll be looking forward to getting to know you and building a relationship with you - not thinking about his ex. Rather than worrying about the past, focus on the future and plan enjoyable activities in and outside the bedroom, so you can get on with having fun together.

2010-11-08T12:06:00.001Z

Q. I've become really good friends with my best mate's boyfriend, but last month she cheated on him. She's not going to tell him, and I can't as I've been friends with her for so much longer, but I feel guilty each time I see him. What should I do?

A. It's not fair of your friend to put you in this situation, but she probably figures that your loyalties are strongest to her. No one outside a relationship can know quite what's going on between a couple, and telling her bloke what happened might cost you both of their friendships. Tell her how awkward things are and that you hope she doesn't make a habit of it. If it's a one-off, you should let it go for the sake of friendship, but if it keeps happening maybe it's time to broaden your social circle and focus on other friends. Or alternatively ask her not to tell you any part of her behaviour. What you don't know can't torment you, and being unable to brag about her conquests to you will drive her potty.

2010-11-08T11:43:00.001Z

Q. When my boyfriend was really drunk, he proposed to me. We laughed it off the next day, but now he keeps doing it and then blaming it on the drink the next morning. Does he want to marry me or not?

A. Do you want to marry him? If you don't, just ignore these drunken antics, he'll soon get bored of the game. But if you do want to marry him in the future and this is leaving you feeling uncertain, I'd ask him where you stand when he's sober. Tell him his drunken proposals are confusing you and that if he does want to get married, he needs to propose when he's sober. You don't say how long you've been together, but finding out where you stand doesn't mean you have to get engaged or married immediately. However, it will give you a sense of where you're headed as a couple. If he continues to give mixed messages, you may need to decide how long you can live with uncertainty in your relationship.

2010-11-06T11:10:00.001Z

Q. Recently my boyfriend of two years said that although he's always loved me, he's never fancied me. I feel so hurt and my confidence is shattered. Should I just accept this, or is it wrong to stay in a relationship that feels one-sided?

A. We're used to the idea that relationships are the complete package, so it must have been a shock to hear this confession. People are together for all different sorts of reasons and there's more than one type of love. What you have to decide is whether this has permanently changed your view of the relationship and if what you have is good enough. Then have a serious chat about where you see the relationship going. Resist the temptation to try and change your looks for him though. Ultimately you have to be true to yourself.

2010-11-06T10:28:00.000Z

Q. I've never had a boyfriend and all of my friends are in long-term relationships. I don't want to sound childish, but I can't help think, 'What's wrong with me?' I usually get to three dates with a man, then he stops calling. What am I doing that's putting them off?

A. If you don't tick all the boxes for someone it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you - it just means that you've both got different checklists. I know it sounds cliched, but try and get out as much as you can and focus on what makes you happy and relaxed. That way, when you meet someone you'll be at your best, and the real you can shine through. Three dates is pretty good, so you're obviously doing something right to get a second and third date. It could be that you're raising the stakes for a third date and expecting too much. On each date, focus on the present moment and don't think about the next one. It shouldn't be long before you break the three-date barrier.

2010-11-05T18:31:00.001Z

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for a few months. We have the most fantastic sex life and he regularly makes me orgasm. The problem is he wants it all the time and I can't handle it! How do I go about telling him this without sounding ungrateful?

A. I'd tell him pretty much what you've told me. That he really turns you on and how much you enjoy sex with him. Then explain it feels so intense it's good to have time to recover, and that you enjoy your orgasms more if you have space to cool down in between. You might want to try sharing things with him too, so if you've had an orgasm, then you may want to masturbate him or give him a blow job and then return to what excites you. He sounds aware of your desires so will hopefully appreciate the feedback.

2010-11-04T18:46:00.001Z

Q. My girlfriend has lost all interest in sex since receiving treatment for cervical cancer. I don't know if it's because of her appearance - she's lost her hair, eyelashes and eyebrows and put on weight - or if it's something else? She's only 25. What can I do to help her?

A. Treatment for cancer changes people emotionally and physically. Talk to her about how she feels, how you feel and the changes she's experiencing, and discuss what non-sexual things you enjoy as a couple. She may be avoiding intimacy because it's uncomfortable or because she fears it will lead to sex, which isn't what she wants right now. Make it clear you can still kiss and cuddle if that's what she wants, but if she doesn't want this either, be patient. Reassure her that you're there for her and love her. When she's ready for sex again she'll let you know, but in the meantime confidence issues may affect her, or she may be worried about sex being painful. Cancer charity Macmillan (www.macmillan.org.uk) has resources on sex after cancer and can offer you both advice on how to manage your relationship at this time.

2010-11-04T18:36:00.001Z

Q. My boyfriend never gets jealous. I was out recently and another bloke asked for my number, but my boyfriend just laughed when I told him. Does he not care?

A. Jealousy is not a normal part of relationships and can be incredibly destructive, so why go looking for it? It's not a sign that someone cares, rather that they have unresolved self-esteem issues. Your man seems relaxed, secure and comfortable in his own skin. However, you seem to think there's something missing. Is he giving you what you need or do you have to play games by trying to make him jealous? Have a chat and tell him what attention and reassurance you need, and focus on increasing the good stuff.

2010-11-04T18:16:00.001Z

Q. I've started seeing a man and when I'm with him he's really attentive. But he works away a lot and does shifts, so sometimes days go by and I don't hear from him at all. Is he just not that bothered about me or are his reasons for not getting in touch genuine?

A. Does he work in the secret service? Is he running the country? Are his thumbs broken every time he leaves your side? If not - and your relationship is serious or getting that way - you have every right to ask him for more regular contact. If you're smelling a rat over his behaviour, and think he could be seeing someone else then bide your time as it will show itself in some way fairly soon. But if this is purely about more contact, remember that men aren't as big on communication as women are, they speak to make arrangements or find out the facts on something, they don't tend to spend hours on the phone like women do. However that is no excuse for the unforgivable behaviour, with all the methods of communication, he could easily send a text or email. Simply not good enough. Rather than turning it into a confrontation, let him know how much you miss him while he's away, and how you'd love to chat to him every day if possible. Also consider suggesting some sexy chats, that's sure to keep him calling. Don't tell him off but do be firm if he starts making dodgy excuses. If he wants you enough he'll start making more effort, if he doesn't - you have your answer.

2010-11-03T19:01:00.001Z

Q. The bloke I've been seeing for a few months refuses to officially be my boyfriend, saying he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. We get on great, have been on holiday together and he's even said he loves me. Will he ever commit to me or should I finish things now, before I get hurt?

A. It sounds like he wants to keep his options open. As much as he loves to spend time with you, he still loves the single life, too. Ultimately, you have to decide whether what you have is enough for you right now, rather than waiting around for this bloke to recognise what a good thing he's got. But make sure you consider whether you're too eager to rush things without taking time to enjoy the moment. There's a fine line between being too patient and too pushy. Go with your gut feeling and decide where that reasonable middle ground is for you.

2010-11-03T18:46:00.001Z

Q. Recently my bloke has started to get pain in his penis while we're having sex and has to pull out early. What could be causing it?

A. Firstly, and I always stress this, I am not a doctor, not medically trained at all. Secondly, it is really important that sexual pain in men is always checked out by a doctor. Some men suffer from a condition called phimosis where the foreskin becomes tight. The action of sex will tug at the foreskin and this can cause pain, particularly if the head of the penis is inflamed. It could also be an infection. Inflammation of the foreskin can be caused by thrush, but STIs such as herpes, gonorrhoea and chlamydia can cause pain too. If your boyfriend ignores the pain it will only get worse.

2010-11-03T18:36:00.000Z

Q. I've just gone on the Pill and I've completely gone off sex. Are the two related?

A. They could be. Some brands of pill (particularly the progestogen-only Pill) can cause women's sex drive to decrease. The problem is often that when we go on the Pill we are likely to already be in an established relationship, which could also explain the dip in desire. It's always worth ensuring there aren't any other life factors that might explain how you feel. If you feel sure the decline in desire is due to the Pill, speak to your GP and ask them if there may be other methods that suit you better. Don't stop taking the Pill before you've sorted out alternative contraception though.

2010-11-03T18:11:00.000Z

Q. I've been single for ages and it doesn't usually bother me, but recently all of my friends have got into serious relationships and I feel really left out. How can I make them stop inviting their boyfriends everywhere we go without sounding like a bitter singleton?

A. It's a sad fact of life that your friends will probably be seeing themselves as half of one whole rather than as an independent until right now. This is a phase of being 'in love' and, even if you can get them out alone, you might find that all they want to do is talk about their blokes or be busy texting them. A more strategic way to get them to yourself would be to invite the blokes along every time, until they get fed up with your company and start to turn the invites down themselves. A couple of evenings discussing Corrie or Gavin's man-tan on Strictly should do it. Or, plan a girls' night out once a week so you can all catch up properly without the men in tow.

2010-11-03T17:58:00.000Z

Q. I had a date with a guy I've fancied for ages last week, and it was going well until I got drunk, cried for no reason then begged him to stay over. He did, but I haven't heard from him since. I really like him and think he liked me too before that - how can I convince him to give me another chance?

A. You can never get a second chance to make a first impression, but you can send him one text apologising for your behaviour and explaining that the booze got the better of you. Keep it brief, and if you don't hear from him then don't bother following it up. On this occasion you may just have to face up to the fact that booze cost you the bloke. If you need to get drunk to have a good time and always end up getting over-emotional, maybe it's time to take a closer look at what's going on with your life at the moment and try to tackle that.

2010-11-03T17:39:00.003Z

Q. Last month my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, saying his feelings had changed. A week later he said it was a mistake and he wants to try again - at first I was ecstatic but now I feel like I'm waiting for him to dump me again. I was so secure before - how can I be again?

A. It'll take time to get that feeling back, but tell him how you feel and ask him to reassure you. He has the right to change his mind and has been honest with you, but he also needs to understand that this will make you feel anxious and unsettled. Make it clear you want the relationship to work but also remind him that if he repeats the behaviour then you won't give him another chance. You need to believe that he wants to be with you unless he indicates otherwise.

2010-10-31T20:17:00.001Z

Q. Why can't my boyfriend remember the way I like to be touched in bed? It's like Groundhog Day. When I tell him, he does it right, but the next time he's forgotten!

A. Bravo to you for taking the time to give him the low-down on the what, where and how of your body. Clear, open and honest communication is definitely the key to fantastic sex, but there's more to it than offering a few mechanical pointers. If it were that simple, we'd all be handing our new lovers a 'Guide to Giving Me the Perfect Orgasm Every Time' (sounds lovely doesn't it?). Instead of acting like a frustrated teacher with an unwilling pupil, try talking to him like a grown-up. Tell him how it makes you feel when he constantly forgets what you like and has to be told what to do again and again. Be clear that these are things you want every time. He might be assuming that the reason you're always giving him blow-by-blow instructions on what to do next is because you're getting off on giving commands.

2010-10-31T20:01:00.002Z

Q. My boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex. It's always the same - we have sex for ages, he doesn't climax, and then has to pleasure himself to orgasm, leaving me feeling sore and useless. Is there something wrong?

A. It can take time to learn how to orgasm with another person. Masturbation comes naturally to most but a sexual relationship can take years of experience to perfect and hone. Everyone has insecurities but sometimes they end up forming very unsexy habitual thoughts which act as 'orgasm blockers'. I'm taking too long. She's bored. Should I fake it? Is his jaw aching? Is she getting sore? The only sure way to get past them is to check the truth out with your partner, but until you're brave enough, stick to things that work to build your (and his) confidence. Allowing yourself to be used like a poor second to his own right hand isn't helping either of you. For now, you can be part of his orgasm by gently massaging (or licking) his testicles while he works on himself.

2010-10-31T19:55:00.000Z

Q. My boyfriend prefers porn to me. He looks at it every day (I check his computer) but when it comes to having sex with me, he's 'too tired'. The porn actresses are thinner and prettier than me. How am I supposed to compete?

A. Porn actors are like cartoon characters - they're not seen as real. He's as likely to compare them to you as he is you to Jessica Rabbit. The images are purely functional - they tickle the bits of our brain that fuel sexual desire. Porn isn't sex, it's masturbation. And, to put it bluntly, if you think he prefers his own right hand to your womanly flesh, what are you doing there? Sneaking around his private data won't help you feel more secure. Ask him if everything's OK because you noticed a dip in his libido. Try having sex early evenings or mornings when he's not tired. And stop snooping. How would you feel if he found a way to read your mind and your fantasies? If you can't talk to him or trust him, what's your relationship made of?

2010-10-14T20:17:00.001+01:00

Q. My boyfriend's been working in the middle east for the past two months. We talk on the phone and write, but it doesn't feel the same. I met someone a week ago - we're now sleeping together and I'm developing feelings for him. This wouldn't have happened if my boyfriend had stayed in the UK - I felt lonely without him.

A. Of course you felt lonely - but what you were missing was someone to touch you and make you feel gorgeous. Phone conversations cannot warm the empty space when lovers are apart - only faith and love make distance bearable. Please stop blaming your boyfriend for leaving. Next, stop using your new man as a smoke-screen to hide disappointment. A long separation is a test of love's strength and your love failed to go the distance, so tell your faraway boyfriend that he is free - and then so are you. Why even mention the new guy? Before making any more choices, you need to reassess what you want in life.

2010-10-14T11:43:00.001+01:00

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, but I have trust issues. I asked to see his mobile one day and he refused 'on principle'. The reason I asked was a text I saw on it, from a girl. I know it was wrong but I checked his phone the next day and he'd deleted all his texts. Is he hiding something? My friends think yes!

A. Trust in love has always been an edgy issue. And there are so many ways for trust to be tested in a world where men and women work and socialise together every day. Technology provides us with ways to communicate that are impulsive and hard to hide from snoops. And snoops don't just read other people's messages, they read into them. So, is he hiding something? Maybe. Or maybe not. But continue to suspect he is hiding something and he soon will be. Lack of trust is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're not going to be trusted, why bother being trustworthy? And please don't talk to your friends - talk to him. And I mean talk. Not cry, interrogate or rage. Give him chance to put your mind at rest.

2010-10-14T11:25:00.000+01:00

Q. I've been single for three years. A year ago, I started having cyber-sex with people in chat rooms. I love it because, in real life, I'm shy in bed and can't ask for what I want - online I feel like a goddess. How can I be that person in the real world too?

A. Your online personality isn't necessarily different from your real-life personality - if you're a goddess online, you're a goddess in real-life too. Think of your year in chat rooms as time spent studying your sexuality - you've learnt how to describe your needs in detail and now you have an honours degree in sexual confidence. The next step is to take your new found skills and put them into practice - with a real lover. You're now three years older and more experienced than the last time you were in a relationship - so don't judge the woman you have become by the girl that you were. Get out there, take it slow and let the goddess emerge.

2010-10-10T22:31:00.000+01:00

Q. My new boyfriend can't stay hard. He lost his erection with the first girl he slept with and she told everyone - his nickname's been 'Softie' ever since. He says it's psychological and it usually gets better over time, but how can I be sure?

A. You have to take his word for it. The betrayal must have been very humiliating for him and he's probably embarrassed when he has to relive it with a new lover. He's being honest with you about an old mental scar he's still struggling with and he's given you no reason to doubt him. He trusts you, so trust him in return and be patient. In the meantime, you can build intimacy by taking intercourse off the agenda altogether, so you don't have sex until you really know one another. I don't mean to sound like everyone's mum, but it really is the best way.

2010-10-10T22:02:00.001+01:00

Q. I can't believe that I'm complaining about this - my girlfriend treats me like a sex toy. She's obsessed with my penis, which would be great if I felt like she was interested in the rest of me. She never looks at me during sex and won't let me go down on her. I like her so much - I want to understand.

A. It's either that you turn her on, but she doesn't fancy you, so she's using you until someone better comes along, or she really likes you - and wants to please you - but is shy and finds it easier to focus on your penis than meet your eye under such intimate circumstances. If it's the first one, she probably never refers to you as 'her boyfriend' or makes plans with you further than next Friday; you haven't met her friends or family; and she prefers shagging to talking and rarely touches you out of the bedroom. But if its the second, she'll have found lots of ways to show you she cares and may just need a bit more time to build her confidence in the bedroom. Deep down you know which one it is.

2010-10-10T21:45:00.001+01:00

Q. I can only have sex doggy-style or I lose my erection. I want to be able to do it in different positions but I get really self-conscious when I know they're looking at me - even if my eyes are closed. I don't get it, as I'm not usually shy.

A. This isn't about shyness - its about intimacy and its a common problem. When men imagine women in sexual terms, they tend to separate her being from her body. Younger men's sexual fantasies rarely include a girls personality! When you meet a woman's eyes in bed, you're confronted by her 'being' and it confuses you, as meeting her gaze forces you to remember that she's a person as well as a great piece of ass! This will change when you have sex with someone you care about. Forming a relationship with a woman's mind as well as her body will open up sexual possibilities that, right now, you can't even imagine.

2010-10-10T21:36:00.001+01:00

Q. My partner has asked me to marry him, but I feel so guilty. Three years ago I had an affair I never told him about. Is it unfair to keep this from him? Should I own up before we get married or pretend it never happened?

A. This is one of those situations with no straight forward answer - you could lose out whatever you decide to do. The thing is that secrets are unhealthy in relationships, and no matter how tempting it may be not to tell, be careful that the secret you keep doesn't create distance between you. If you decide to confess, be prepared for things to be difficult - your partner will feel angry, betrayed and disillusioned. You'll have to work hard to earn his trust again. Relationships can survive adultery and even grow stronger because of it. By deciding when to tell him, you're at least likely to feel more in control. Plan what you're going to say and make sure your apology is sincere. Try to explain why you cheated and why you'll never do it again. Ask him what he needs you to do to begin making things right. Then try to work together to heal your relationship. But remember - it may be something he can't forgive, no matter how long ago it happened.

2010-10-10T17:56:00.001+01:00

Q. My girlfriend's put on weight and become so paranoid. If I don't want sex, she interrogates me about whether I still fancy her. It's not her weight that puts me off, it's her insecurity. If she feels bad why doesn't she just lose weight?

A. Because she feels bad!! It's hard to take control of your life when your self-esteem's on the floor. She's stopped liking herself and expects you to stop liking her too. She keeps asking because she can't believe you still fancy her - as she feels so unfanciable. Many women can't feel sexy when they're fat. Tell her you know the weight is making her unhappy, although it doesn't worry you, and ask her how you can support her getting back to a size she'd be happy with. Although it's not your 'job' to keep her spirits up when she's low, you should do it out of love and hope that she's there for you when you need her.